at the gym.
emily: you better start being nicer or i'm going to make up lies about you and tell our trainer.
me: yeah well you do that and you will end up nancy kerrigan 2.0
emily: what - am i going to have too many teeth to fit in my mouth?
i’m not codependent i just like being fucked up.– ashley (who is this girl?!?!)
i like being on drugs because i really like being outside of my element and...– ashley
oxy really isn’t like heroin at all. at least on heroin you can hang!– ashley
i hate olive garden commercials!!
aaaaaahhhhh!!!!! so fucking much!!@!!@#@QWAADSQW!~
i have been friends with rose for 15+ years...
rose: my sister in law just had a baby!! her name is natalie! i cried for like two hours straight. having babies is exhausting!
me: you have a sister in law??
rose: what the hell kind of question is that?? god damn it sasha, yes. my oldest brother dan is married. you know this.
me: i thought tom was your older brother and i just didn't know your little brother's name?
rose: i have three. dan is the oldest. he's 28. then comes tom and then joe. if my life were a class you would fucking FAIL.
me: YOU HAVE THREE BROTHERS????
me: if your dream is to be on extreme home makeovers, then mine is to be on wipeout.
bean: what is wipeout?
me: bullshit crazy water obstacle course for $50,000!
bean: oh right right. if you want i'll train you. i'll set up a course in my pool.
me: bean, your bathtub isn't a pool.
bean: it is if i want it to be.
me: it cramps my backstroke.
bean: well i won $100 on a scratcher yesterday!
me: holy shit!!
bean: i know that's how i felt!
me: what kind?
bean: the ten dollar 100 million cash spectacular!
me: ohhh. 100 out of 100million isn't so great actually. better luck next time.
bean: you ever get tired of being an asshole?
bean: and my dream is to be a builder.
me: a "builder"? what are you? 4?
bean: yeah - a four year old that won 100 bucks! suck on that!
i’m waiting for a statement from macaulay culkin.
buying tampons sucks. that’s why i’m always a little relieved when i actually have to buy OTHER THINGS AT THE SAME TIME instead of just going into the story and buying a big ol’ box of tampax and being awkward about it. it’s like, hey, i didn’t come to the store cuz i started my period, i came to the store cuz i NEEDED HOUSEHOLD THINGS and i just figured i’d...
molls: Bi The Way - Sexunate Someone was kinda...
if you haven’t listened to this song while...
so last night
so last night as i was falling asleep, i witnessed my sleeping dog stick her head over the side of the mattress, throw up onto the floor, and then curl back up. all with her eyes closed. i really don’t even think she was awake. i think she’s been partying without me. it’s still on the floor btw cuz i’m disgusting and don’t clean dog vomit up in a hurry.
all i'm going to say...(via text)
me: jesus. christ.
me: omg. i wasn't coordinated enough to do ANYTHING. i spent 20 minutes looking like a fucking lost puppy before i ran out of the room.
christopher: i love this.
me: really old people dance better than i do.
christopher: no way
me: chris! i can't merengue, salsa, cumbia or rumba! my dream of passing for a latina is destroyed!
christopher: all you need is lipliner. duh.
me: what is lip liner without a cumbia!!! bidi bidi bom bom!
i gotta go to zumba now.
where is my ski mask??
hey worst fucking ideas →
unicornfandance: thank you for…well, for being you. i have tears streaming down my face. oh, girl!
roseanne: what are you up to?
darlene: i'm going to watch the knicks and bulls play.
roseanne: on tv?
darlene: no. the entire knicks and bulls teams are going to come over and play in our living room. will you help me move the couch?
roseanne: yeah, we can put it in your mouth.