ugh, the DMV makes me feel how you probably always feel in public.– -emily
Hey. I’m doing stand up now.– Don’t send me text messages that say that. (via molls) i immediately sent molls a text message that said that. PREDICTABLE.
on saturday i moved out of my parents house where i’ve been living for the last two years. MY FIRST PLACE [BECAUSE COLLEGE DOESN’T COUNT]. on monday i turned 25. i became an adult juuuust in time.
txts wth krstn
krstn: have you ever noticed how stupid flys are?
krstn: potato patato
me: so i'm not going to have my birthday party this year. i want in on your gladiator party.
kirsten: who told you!
me: roommate cari! sorry i found out! now i'm crashin'!
kirsten: ha! she isn't even invited! but i guess you can come...
me: i can't wait to fight you.
kirsten: i cant wait to stab you.
me: i can't wait to feed you to tigers
kirsten: i can't wait til you fall into the moat im gonna make thats filled with tasers and killer whales
me: i can't wait to call you russel crowe all night.
kirsten: i can't wait to call myself MUSCLE crowe all night!
Devin: Oh...you guys aren't divas? ok, what's the definition of a diva?
Me: Diva is a female version of a hustler
Me: I think I've been waiting a really long time for someone to ask me that question
artists i skipped on my ipod yesterday: •wilco •stars •heartless bastards •the like •metric artists i did not skip on my ipod yesterday •britney spears •the sugababes •veruca salt •miranda lambert JUDGE ME.
txts wth emly
emily: sooo...do you think your apology covered me too? or do i have to say it
emily: we need a system. cuz the long list of people we've offended might approach us. duo apologies always.
me: let's just always use the pronoun "we"
emily: perfect. hate apologizing. it really waters down our funny.
me: seriously. also, what's a pronoun?
Helveticus would be a good name
drinkyourjuice: for a primary character in your Internet gladiator drama. drinkyourjuice is a gift.
It’s me-o’clock. It’s time for Jello.– Jello commercials are assholes! (via hellarty)
trying to relate.
one of my best friends growing up, abby, recently married a british guy, simon. i may have mentioned them before, but whatever. every time i am around simon, i always feel the need to try and like, really include him. or relate to him. or something. cuz like, shit! you’re from england! and you’re hanging out with kids from arizona! this must just all be so unfamiliar and you must...
Kevin Babbles: I'm Positive About This One →
I’ve been very sick: Out of nowhere, I’ve started incessantly sneezing and coughing and feeling miserable in general. Jessica suggests that it might be allergies, but I know better: I have AIDS. Don’t try to reason with me, I know my body, and I know I have AIDS. Runny nose, sore throat… the…
did i seriously just get a facebook invite to a bar mitzvah?
this all took place with a russian accent
nathan: so you want to get sushi?
me: i thought we weren't going to do that.
nathan: yeah. but then i remembered you're a pushover.
me: right. well okay.
nathan: Ginza in 15?
me: let's just say at 8. so 25 minutes.
nathan: but i'm in a car already. so like see you in 15?
me: sure, but i'm going to get there at 8.
nathan: i'll be there before 8. so how about like, 750?
me: yeah okay. it will probably be closer to 8 though.
me: see ya!